Moon Child

Red and white

Heated nights

There aint nothin but dead flowers

I’m dead in the water

Black and blue

You’re my sun

I’m your moon

Try and revive me

Hurts like hell

Can’t you tell

That I’m

10 miles under

And I'm back to where I started

heaven go easy on me

i miss it.


It meaning Chicago.
I miss my work and my city. I'm starting to feel the need to be in perpetual motion, the need to run again.

This feeling has become a close and personal friend of mine throughout my life. I'm one of the doomed ones. Always running, its necessary for my sanity. I'm one of the ones that will never settle down, I'm one of the ones that will jet off the India, Egypt, Berlin- the road less traveled, I'm one of the ones that will absolutely without a doubt never feel content. Due to certain life experiences, this feeling is one I will carry through my whole life. It is a double edged sword. I think I'm ok with that.


I want my 29th floor Gold Coast apartment. I want to be in the company of people who operate from my state of mind. It's like taking a fish out of water. Not enough oxygen.

et

every night my teeth are falling out

You wanna climb up the stairs,
I wanna push you back down.
But I let you inside,
So you can push me around. 

If I leave before you,
And I walk out alone,
Keep your hands to yourself
When you follow me home. 

I don’t want love.
I don’t want love. 

We wake up with pounding heads,
Bruised down below.
I should have built better walls,
Or slept in my clothes. 

So if I see you again,
Desperate and stoned,
Keep your prison locked up,
And I will leave my gun at home. 

I don’t want love.
I don’t want love.




I Dont Want Love
The Antlers








realizing the mistakes i've made. and paying for them in blood and anxiety.
thats it.

knots of lavender

Home. Anxiety levels at a record high.

It's like when you walk out in the cold and realize you aren't wearing enough layers. So you pull on a jacket. Still cold. You wrap a scarf around your neck. Yeah. Cold. You put on another coat. Finally not cold anymore. Then it starts to rain. Fucking icy, shitty, wet rain. And all the layers you pulled on during your walk in the cold don't matter anymore. Cause now you're just fucking freezing. Then you realize you have to go back to where you were. Cause you can't survive the walk home.

and then-
who you missed, who you loved,  and who you used to be become less and less.
and you wish you still cared.

et

be good or be gone

Maybe it just makes sense to you, and everybody around you. Maybe reaching is only an inch away. Maybe searching only comes to mind when finding your way home at 4 am. Maybe giving in is included in choice A, B and C. I’m glad you have found simple to be your state of mind- and I’m glad I found my way out.

Trust me I remember. I remember what it felt like. All your belongings start to pile up like bones and you’ve got knocked over cups boxes and aspirations covering the floor. Yeah. Words move as slow as turpentine and all you can spit is bile.  Recognition that you’ve hit bottom rips through you like a fucking freight train. You turn the lights out because all eyes are on you. Yeah. I remember. You’re part of a fabricated lie you’ve told yourself (and everybody else) for as long as you can remember. Just wait until that lie falls on top of you as the weight of the ocean. Wait until your vision turns black.

Nothing will cure you unless you have something to fight for. And no- I’m not talking about some miniscule detail that’s spelled out for you as black and white. No. There is no bullshit allowed out here. It’ll break your legs before you can find a worthy excuse.

This is not for the light hearted.

so done. cannot wait to hike in the colorado mountains 

for 10 days and be missing in action all summer.

l8a 4eva.

the space in between

exhaustion to ridiculous ends.

force fed, force mixed till I drop dead

smoke, coffee and outside. the only 3 things that feed my brain just enough to make me function like a human being. even then- it's a struggle. 

Absolute exhaustion. I've never felt so dead in my entire life. I have made so much work this year it's unreal. I cannot even begin to explain how much I've learned in my freshman year at SAIC. My life has completely changed. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to be at this school, with this faculty, and in this city. Gratitude to whatever is sending all of this my way. Gratitude. 

It's bitter sweet. Freshman year is just about over and I am in the midst of final collections and 15 page essays. At this point the work load doesn't bother me, the expectations do not bother me. I have become a well oiled art school machine. Recently, I was nominated by one of my amazing instructors to submit a portfolio to SAIC's Contemporary Practices department in hopes of winning an additional $15,000 in scholarship. There were only 15-20 students selected to apply so I am beyond honored and EVEN MORE grateful. ALSO- Opening night for SAIC's annual Art Bash was last weekend and I am proud to say that my 8 foot baby (mix media sculpture) got a lot of positive attention and feed back! In that same weekend my beautiful BFF, Tessa Mania, and I signed on an apartment in Gold Coast- 3 fucking blocks from the beach! What the fucking fuck. How in the hell did all of this happen to me in one year. 

It does't stop there kids.

Earlier tonight while volunteering at the SAIC's annual Fashion Show (absolutely amazing by the way. absolutely. amazing.) I had the opportunity to hear Cynthia Rowley speak after being awarded SAIC's Honorary Alumni award. I was also her usher and got to seat her, Bill Powers, and Nick Cave on the front row. WHAT THE FUCK.

And even more- last week I bought my Lolla ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jack White, The Black Keys, Justice, Franz Ferdinand, Die Antwoord, Star Slinger, Neon Indian, Little Dragon, Santigold. sounds chill. 

yeah. shits goin good.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

et

delete

Spike heels make a hole in a lifeboat
Jump, and I'm talking and laughing as we float
I hear a whistle, that's how I know she's home

Lipstick, eyelash, broke mirror, broken home

Force fed, force mixed 'till I drop dead
You can't defeat her, when you meet her you'll be what I said
And lord knows there's a method to her madness
Bustin' those jokes as I float in a sea of sadness

She doesn't know but when she's gonna sit and drink up a few
I'm sure she's drinkin two, but wondering what for and who
And I'm solo rollin'. I'm one side off the boat.
Looking out, throwing up, a lifesaver down my throat


-Jack Fucking White






Home in 30 ish days. fuuuuuck.
I want to stay in this state of mind. Forever. Accomplish everything. Everyday. More scholarships more shows more art. I crash and burn when I come out of focus. It's part of my personality, i'm addicted to adrenaline. I enjoy being exhausted and feeling like I could fall the fuck over every 15 seconds and knowing that I'm going everywhere but back. Yeah.


I'll sleep when I'm dead.

et

you think you're hot shit cause you're a sociopath

Don't let it fool you
Don't let it fool you down
Dancing around, folds in her gown

Sea and the rock below
Cocked to the undertow
Bones blood and teeth erode, with every crashing node

Wings wouldn't help you
Wings wouldn't help you down
Down fills the ground, gravity's proud

You barely are blinking
Wagging your face around
When'd this just become a mortal home?

Won't, won't, won't, won't

Won't let you talk me
Won't let you talk me down
Will pull it taut, nothing let out


Bon Iver & St Vincent

fuel

I swore I'd chase until I was dead
I heard the streets were paved with gold
That's what my father said

i bet it's gonna be a while, kid

hello hello !
everything has been absolute INSANITY the last couple of weeks.
school schooooollll art art art wine wine apartment hunting more apartment hunting
ugh so much. AND IT'S ABOUT TO GET WORSE. I was accepted into SAIC's annual
Artbash freshman showcase and hopefully I will be accepted twice over. My performance
proposal is still being processed but HOPEFULLY that will be accepted too!
Acceptance to Artbash's "alternate space" means I have to make a new piece that is sight
specific to my installation space. I was assigned a large wall space
and told to create a 5 by 5 foot sculptural wall piece within my sculptural aesthetic.
COOL MORE WORK- but yipeeee i'm succeeding!
Amidst Artbash hysteria I have also been making LOTS of videos which I will have up on my web site soon (www.cargocollective.com/thetides) and am currently preparing to be slapped in the face with huge final projects and collections.
I'm just bracing myself for the hurricane of work, blood, sweat and tears.

Like I mentioned earlier my 2 room mates and I have been mad apartment hunting so naturally I've been collecting decorative inspiration... cannot wait cannot wait cannot wait.

eeeeeeeeek!

et

all consuming space

Ernesto Nato

Multi medium sculpture/installation artist

What a BAMF.

I'm running out of ideas.

I'm making too many videos.

filming my footage for artbash TOMORROW. 

SPRING BREAK WHERE THE SHIT ARE YOU.

et

i'll build you a city

I don’t remember, were we wild and young
All that’s faded into memory
I feel like somebody I don’t know
Are we really who we used to be
Am I really who I was

The lights will draw you in
And the dark will bring you down
And the night will break your heart
Only if you’re lucky now

Waiting outside while you find your keys
Like bags of trash in the blackening snow
City of neon and toes that freeze
We got nothing and nowhere to go
We got nothing and nowhere

all but a single inch

So inspired right now. FINALLY.
SAIC's freshman showcase, ArtBash, is coming up in April and I've
been so stressed out about submitting my proposal and what not. Not
everybody gets a space to show their work, so it gets pretty competitive.
I've come up with a multi medium piece consisting of a video, an installation,
a sculpture and performance. I usually work just in sculpture and printmedia-
SO THIS IS A HUGE JUMP FOR ME and I'm very excited.
I ran all of the details by one of my professors today and she LOVED IT.
i mean LOVED IT.
Cant wait. Now I just have to make it.......
fingers crossed.

Who has never killed an hour? Not casually or without thought, but carefully: 

a premeditated murder of minutes. The 

violence 

comes from a combination of giving up, not caring, and a resignation

that getting past it is all you can hope to accomplish. 

So you kill the hour. 

You do not work, you do not read, you do not daydream. 

If you sleep it is not because you need to sleep. 

And when at last it is over, 

there is no evidence:

no weapon, 

no blood,

and no body. 

The only clue might be the shadows beneath your eyes or a terribly thin line near the corner of your mouth indicating something has been suffered, that in the privacy of your life you have lost something and the loss is too empty to share.

House of Leaves

and now, my dearest. it is red wine time.

xoxoxoxoxo

et

Good Kate, Bad Kate

Kate Moss for W Magazine
Shot by Steven Klein
March 2012

so sick.
xoxo

et

cold to the bone

The Head and the Heart
Coeur D'Alene


Wind-blown whispers wind naked down the corridor
Thoughts leavin' my head, they twist through yours
What will become of these gestures that we made
I've given up my Bible, you moved out of state

Wearily waitin' on the wastin' of his days
A sad son's smoldering soul
Give you three bucks for your sympathy and another for a cigarette
The interaction feels so cold

Oh the songs people will sing for home
And for the ones that have been gone for too long
But oh the things people will do for the ones that they love

We're only here to find the love that lingers after
The moment
So kiss me in the back room where the music plays
I know that it's not over

But oh the songs people will sing for home
And for the ones that have been gone for too long
Oh the things people will do for the ones that they love

Break down the corridors

Messes that I haven't tried to clean up in a while

You're in my soul now
You've gotta waste away with me
My mind's made up, I'm stayin' here with you

There's no use knowin'
Which way the wind is blowin'
My mind's made up, I'm doin' this, I'm doin' this with you

There's no use knowin'
Which way the wind is blowin'
My mind's made up, I'm doin' this, I'm doin' this

You're in my soul now
You've gotta waste away with me

Well. I may possibly be going to Bonaroo? fuck yeah. 

I have been busy busy busy with work. Experimental film, gesture drawing and 

20th century art history has been captivating most of my life. 

That and wine induced cat naps.

et

sittin' sippin' on your black crystal

Eiko Ishioka

Surrealist costume designer for major Hollywood productions

such as Mirror Mirror (so excited for that film) and Dracula.

As seen on 'www.nowness.com'

FINALLY feeling inspired. I've been completely and totally overwhelmed by the amount of long term projects I've been assigned. I finally feel on fire again, thank god. It's been a while. Ideas on ideas on ideas. This weekend will be a good one. Beauty Bar, Flea Markets, beginning the production of my FIRST EXPERIMENTAL FILM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and of course the Super Bowl. Come Sunday I'll be swimming in cheap beer and football. My Southern football crazed family is so proud that their artsy freak is finally in the Super Bowl spirit <3
stay tuned for updates on my projects!

et

choose your last words

Lana Del Rey

Born to Die

This video was shown to me by a close friend of mine recently. 

Although I do not know much about Lana Del Rey as an artist I love this video. 

I'll say this with the risk of sounding completely melodramatic but- I normally physically and mentally cannot watch music videos like this for reasons that don't really make sense. My closest friends know

that I will literally leave the room, party or restaurant if certain music comes on.

After watching Rihanna's We Found Love for the first time I just about vomited. 

Too close to home for me and put too simply. But this video- I don't know. It's good.

The best part about it is that the concept for the video was created completely by Lana Del Ray.

Although, she did not direct the video she was a large part of its creation and production. That says

a lot about her as an artist in my opinion. The quality, color and dynamic is just GOOD. 

Although the bed scene is a little much for me....

My favorite line? "You like your girls insane."

et

while the air was getting thicker

back in chicago.
right in the nick of time. maybe 3 or 4 days too late.
maybe. everything is fuzzy.

maybe.

et