every night my teeth are falling out

You wanna climb up the stairs,
I wanna push you back down.
But I let you inside,
So you can push me around. 

If I leave before you,
And I walk out alone,
Keep your hands to yourself
When you follow me home. 

I don’t want love.
I don’t want love. 

We wake up with pounding heads,
Bruised down below.
I should have built better walls,
Or slept in my clothes. 

So if I see you again,
Desperate and stoned,
Keep your prison locked up,
And I will leave my gun at home. 

I don’t want love.
I don’t want love.




I Dont Want Love
The Antlers








realizing the mistakes i've made. and paying for them in blood and anxiety.
thats it.

knots of lavender

Home. Anxiety levels at a record high.

It's like when you walk out in the cold and realize you aren't wearing enough layers. So you pull on a jacket. Still cold. You wrap a scarf around your neck. Yeah. Cold. You put on another coat. Finally not cold anymore. Then it starts to rain. Fucking icy, shitty, wet rain. And all the layers you pulled on during your walk in the cold don't matter anymore. Cause now you're just fucking freezing. Then you realize you have to go back to where you were. Cause you can't survive the walk home.

and then-
who you missed, who you loved,  and who you used to be become less and less.
and you wish you still cared.

et

be good or be gone

Maybe it just makes sense to you, and everybody around you. Maybe reaching is only an inch away. Maybe searching only comes to mind when finding your way home at 4 am. Maybe giving in is included in choice A, B and C. I’m glad you have found simple to be your state of mind- and I’m glad I found my way out.

Trust me I remember. I remember what it felt like. All your belongings start to pile up like bones and you’ve got knocked over cups boxes and aspirations covering the floor. Yeah. Words move as slow as turpentine and all you can spit is bile.  Recognition that you’ve hit bottom rips through you like a fucking freight train. You turn the lights out because all eyes are on you. Yeah. I remember. You’re part of a fabricated lie you’ve told yourself (and everybody else) for as long as you can remember. Just wait until that lie falls on top of you as the weight of the ocean. Wait until your vision turns black.

Nothing will cure you unless you have something to fight for. And no- I’m not talking about some miniscule detail that’s spelled out for you as black and white. No. There is no bullshit allowed out here. It’ll break your legs before you can find a worthy excuse.

This is not for the light hearted.

so done. cannot wait to hike in the colorado mountains 

for 10 days and be missing in action all summer.

l8a 4eva.

the space in between

exhaustion to ridiculous ends.

force fed, force mixed till I drop dead

smoke, coffee and outside. the only 3 things that feed my brain just enough to make me function like a human being. even then- it's a struggle. 

Absolute exhaustion. I've never felt so dead in my entire life. I have made so much work this year it's unreal. I cannot even begin to explain how much I've learned in my freshman year at SAIC. My life has completely changed. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to be at this school, with this faculty, and in this city. Gratitude to whatever is sending all of this my way. Gratitude. 

It's bitter sweet. Freshman year is just about over and I am in the midst of final collections and 15 page essays. At this point the work load doesn't bother me, the expectations do not bother me. I have become a well oiled art school machine. Recently, I was nominated by one of my amazing instructors to submit a portfolio to SAIC's Contemporary Practices department in hopes of winning an additional $15,000 in scholarship. There were only 15-20 students selected to apply so I am beyond honored and EVEN MORE grateful. ALSO- Opening night for SAIC's annual Art Bash was last weekend and I am proud to say that my 8 foot baby (mix media sculpture) got a lot of positive attention and feed back! In that same weekend my beautiful BFF, Tessa Mania, and I signed on an apartment in Gold Coast- 3 fucking blocks from the beach! What the fucking fuck. How in the hell did all of this happen to me in one year. 

It does't stop there kids.

Earlier tonight while volunteering at the SAIC's annual Fashion Show (absolutely amazing by the way. absolutely. amazing.) I had the opportunity to hear Cynthia Rowley speak after being awarded SAIC's Honorary Alumni award. I was also her usher and got to seat her, Bill Powers, and Nick Cave on the front row. WHAT THE FUCK.

And even more- last week I bought my Lolla ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jack White, The Black Keys, Justice, Franz Ferdinand, Die Antwoord, Star Slinger, Neon Indian, Little Dragon, Santigold. sounds chill. 

yeah. shits goin good.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

et

delete

Spike heels make a hole in a lifeboat
Jump, and I'm talking and laughing as we float
I hear a whistle, that's how I know she's home

Lipstick, eyelash, broke mirror, broken home

Force fed, force mixed 'till I drop dead
You can't defeat her, when you meet her you'll be what I said
And lord knows there's a method to her madness
Bustin' those jokes as I float in a sea of sadness

She doesn't know but when she's gonna sit and drink up a few
I'm sure she's drinkin two, but wondering what for and who
And I'm solo rollin'. I'm one side off the boat.
Looking out, throwing up, a lifesaver down my throat


-Jack Fucking White






Home in 30 ish days. fuuuuuck.
I want to stay in this state of mind. Forever. Accomplish everything. Everyday. More scholarships more shows more art. I crash and burn when I come out of focus. It's part of my personality, i'm addicted to adrenaline. I enjoy being exhausted and feeling like I could fall the fuck over every 15 seconds and knowing that I'm going everywhere but back. Yeah.


I'll sleep when I'm dead.

et

you think you're hot shit cause you're a sociopath

Don't let it fool you
Don't let it fool you down
Dancing around, folds in her gown

Sea and the rock below
Cocked to the undertow
Bones blood and teeth erode, with every crashing node

Wings wouldn't help you
Wings wouldn't help you down
Down fills the ground, gravity's proud

You barely are blinking
Wagging your face around
When'd this just become a mortal home?

Won't, won't, won't, won't

Won't let you talk me
Won't let you talk me down
Will pull it taut, nothing let out


Bon Iver & St Vincent