force fed, force mixed till I drop dead

smoke, coffee and outside. the only 3 things that feed my brain just enough to make me function like a human being. even then- it's a struggle. 

Absolute exhaustion. I've never felt so dead in my entire life. I have made so much work this year it's unreal. I cannot even begin to explain how much I've learned in my freshman year at SAIC. My life has completely changed. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to be at this school, with this faculty, and in this city. Gratitude to whatever is sending all of this my way. Gratitude. 

It's bitter sweet. Freshman year is just about over and I am in the midst of final collections and 15 page essays. At this point the work load doesn't bother me, the expectations do not bother me. I have become a well oiled art school machine. Recently, I was nominated by one of my amazing instructors to submit a portfolio to SAIC's Contemporary Practices department in hopes of winning an additional $15,000 in scholarship. There were only 15-20 students selected to apply so I am beyond honored and EVEN MORE grateful. ALSO- Opening night for SAIC's annual Art Bash was last weekend and I am proud to say that my 8 foot baby (mix media sculpture) got a lot of positive attention and feed back! In that same weekend my beautiful BFF, Tessa Mania, and I signed on an apartment in Gold Coast- 3 fucking blocks from the beach! What the fucking fuck. How in the hell did all of this happen to me in one year. 

It does't stop there kids.

Earlier tonight while volunteering at the SAIC's annual Fashion Show (absolutely amazing by the way. absolutely. amazing.) I had the opportunity to hear Cynthia Rowley speak after being awarded SAIC's Honorary Alumni award. I was also her usher and got to seat her, Bill Powers, and Nick Cave on the front row. WHAT THE FUCK.

And even more- last week I bought my Lolla ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jack White, The Black Keys, Justice, Franz Ferdinand, Die Antwoord, Star Slinger, Neon Indian, Little Dragon, Santigold. sounds chill. 

yeah. shits goin good.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

et

you think you're hot shit cause you're a sociopath

Don't let it fool you
Don't let it fool you down
Dancing around, folds in her gown

Sea and the rock below
Cocked to the undertow
Bones blood and teeth erode, with every crashing node

Wings wouldn't help you
Wings wouldn't help you down
Down fills the ground, gravity's proud

You barely are blinking
Wagging your face around
When'd this just become a mortal home?

Won't, won't, won't, won't

Won't let you talk me
Won't let you talk me down
Will pull it taut, nothing let out


Bon Iver & St Vincent

cold to the bone

The Head and the Heart
Coeur D'Alene


Wind-blown whispers wind naked down the corridor
Thoughts leavin' my head, they twist through yours
What will become of these gestures that we made
I've given up my Bible, you moved out of state

Wearily waitin' on the wastin' of his days
A sad son's smoldering soul
Give you three bucks for your sympathy and another for a cigarette
The interaction feels so cold

Oh the songs people will sing for home
And for the ones that have been gone for too long
But oh the things people will do for the ones that they love

We're only here to find the love that lingers after
The moment
So kiss me in the back room where the music plays
I know that it's not over

But oh the songs people will sing for home
And for the ones that have been gone for too long
Oh the things people will do for the ones that they love

Break down the corridors

Messes that I haven't tried to clean up in a while

You're in my soul now
You've gotta waste away with me
My mind's made up, I'm stayin' here with you

There's no use knowin'
Which way the wind is blowin'
My mind's made up, I'm doin' this, I'm doin' this with you

There's no use knowin'
Which way the wind is blowin'
My mind's made up, I'm doin' this, I'm doin' this

You're in my soul now
You've gotta waste away with me

Well. I may possibly be going to Bonaroo? fuck yeah. 

I have been busy busy busy with work. Experimental film, gesture drawing and 

20th century art history has been captivating most of my life. 

That and wine induced cat naps.

et

choose your last words

Lana Del Rey

Born to Die

This video was shown to me by a close friend of mine recently. 

Although I do not know much about Lana Del Rey as an artist I love this video. 

I'll say this with the risk of sounding completely melodramatic but- I normally physically and mentally cannot watch music videos like this for reasons that don't really make sense. My closest friends know

that I will literally leave the room, party or restaurant if certain music comes on.

After watching Rihanna's We Found Love for the first time I just about vomited. 

Too close to home for me and put too simply. But this video- I don't know. It's good.

The best part about it is that the concept for the video was created completely by Lana Del Ray.

Although, she did not direct the video she was a large part of its creation and production. That says

a lot about her as an artist in my opinion. The quality, color and dynamic is just GOOD. 

Although the bed scene is a little much for me....

My favorite line? "You like your girls insane."

et

hide and seek

Ashes and FireBy: Ryan Adams

As he stared past the fire,His hunger to leave well it gnawed his poor heart alive,Her skin smelled like black cherry, blossom perfume, the sail boats they all sailed byand a river she cried.
and the wind was suddenly sweeter than Roosevelt pine,The windows broke out and the cigarette smoke was drifting by,The bums on the bowery were swallowed in the lights as cars rumbled by in the nightscreaming run for your life.
With cool and silvery eyes and a heart that was fit for desire, drowned in a river of tears oh a river she cried left her with a heartmade of ashes and fire.
One day there was a silence and it washed through the town,and there was no reason to speak so no one made a sound,her eyes were indigo and the cats were all Calico and the sail boats they all sailed byand a river she cried.
With cool and silvery eyes and a heart that was fit for desire, drowned in a river of tears oh a river she cried left her with a heartmade of ashes and fire.
Ashes and fire, Ashes and fire, Ashes and fire.



Damn.

et

gettin woozy

Jesus Christ 
By Brand New


Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

I know you'll come in the night like a thief
But I’ve had some time alone to hone my lying technique
I know you think that I’m someone you can trust
But I’m scared I’ll get scared and I swear I’ll try to nail you back up
(everyone now)
So do you think that we could work out a psalm
So I’ll know it's you and that it's over so I won't even try
I know you'll come for the people like me
But we all got wood and nails,
And talk dirt at hating factories
But, we all got wood and nails
And talk dirt at hating factories
Yeah, we all got wood and nails
And we sleep inside of this machine 

Being home has been good. I have so many good people in my life. It's good.

But I'm swimmin' twice as hard now, and quite honestly I am terrified.

I have made no art, which hurts. Lots of tequila, taco cabana and best friends. <3

Still terrified. Petrified maybe. Something tells me this isn't gonna be easy much longer.

happy holidays kittenkatz!

et