Moon Child

Red and white

Heated nights

There aint nothin but dead flowers

I’m dead in the water

Black and blue

You’re my sun

I’m your moon

Try and revive me

Hurts like hell

Can’t you tell

That I’m

10 miles under

And I'm back to where I started

heaven go easy on me

i miss it.


It meaning Chicago.
I miss my work and my city. I'm starting to feel the need to be in perpetual motion, the need to run again.

This feeling has become a close and personal friend of mine throughout my life. I'm one of the doomed ones. Always running, its necessary for my sanity. I'm one of the ones that will never settle down, I'm one of the ones that will jet off the India, Egypt, Berlin- the road less traveled, I'm one of the ones that will absolutely without a doubt never feel content. Due to certain life experiences, this feeling is one I will carry through my whole life. It is a double edged sword. I think I'm ok with that.


I want my 29th floor Gold Coast apartment. I want to be in the company of people who operate from my state of mind. It's like taking a fish out of water. Not enough oxygen.

et

every night my teeth are falling out

You wanna climb up the stairs,
I wanna push you back down.
But I let you inside,
So you can push me around. 

If I leave before you,
And I walk out alone,
Keep your hands to yourself
When you follow me home. 

I don’t want love.
I don’t want love. 

We wake up with pounding heads,
Bruised down below.
I should have built better walls,
Or slept in my clothes. 

So if I see you again,
Desperate and stoned,
Keep your prison locked up,
And I will leave my gun at home. 

I don’t want love.
I don’t want love.




I Dont Want Love
The Antlers








realizing the mistakes i've made. and paying for them in blood and anxiety.
thats it.

knots of lavender

Home. Anxiety levels at a record high.

It's like when you walk out in the cold and realize you aren't wearing enough layers. So you pull on a jacket. Still cold. You wrap a scarf around your neck. Yeah. Cold. You put on another coat. Finally not cold anymore. Then it starts to rain. Fucking icy, shitty, wet rain. And all the layers you pulled on during your walk in the cold don't matter anymore. Cause now you're just fucking freezing. Then you realize you have to go back to where you were. Cause you can't survive the walk home.

and then-
who you missed, who you loved,  and who you used to be become less and less.
and you wish you still cared.

et

be good or be gone

Maybe it just makes sense to you, and everybody around you. Maybe reaching is only an inch away. Maybe searching only comes to mind when finding your way home at 4 am. Maybe giving in is included in choice A, B and C. I’m glad you have found simple to be your state of mind- and I’m glad I found my way out.

Trust me I remember. I remember what it felt like. All your belongings start to pile up like bones and you’ve got knocked over cups boxes and aspirations covering the floor. Yeah. Words move as slow as turpentine and all you can spit is bile.  Recognition that you’ve hit bottom rips through you like a fucking freight train. You turn the lights out because all eyes are on you. Yeah. I remember. You’re part of a fabricated lie you’ve told yourself (and everybody else) for as long as you can remember. Just wait until that lie falls on top of you as the weight of the ocean. Wait until your vision turns black.

Nothing will cure you unless you have something to fight for. And no- I’m not talking about some miniscule detail that’s spelled out for you as black and white. No. There is no bullshit allowed out here. It’ll break your legs before you can find a worthy excuse.

This is not for the light hearted.

so done. cannot wait to hike in the colorado mountains 

for 10 days and be missing in action all summer.

l8a 4eva.

the space in between

exhaustion to ridiculous ends.

force fed, force mixed till I drop dead

smoke, coffee and outside. the only 3 things that feed my brain just enough to make me function like a human being. even then- it's a struggle. 

Absolute exhaustion. I've never felt so dead in my entire life. I have made so much work this year it's unreal. I cannot even begin to explain how much I've learned in my freshman year at SAIC. My life has completely changed. There are no words to explain how grateful I am to be at this school, with this faculty, and in this city. Gratitude to whatever is sending all of this my way. Gratitude. 

It's bitter sweet. Freshman year is just about over and I am in the midst of final collections and 15 page essays. At this point the work load doesn't bother me, the expectations do not bother me. I have become a well oiled art school machine. Recently, I was nominated by one of my amazing instructors to submit a portfolio to SAIC's Contemporary Practices department in hopes of winning an additional $15,000 in scholarship. There were only 15-20 students selected to apply so I am beyond honored and EVEN MORE grateful. ALSO- Opening night for SAIC's annual Art Bash was last weekend and I am proud to say that my 8 foot baby (mix media sculpture) got a lot of positive attention and feed back! In that same weekend my beautiful BFF, Tessa Mania, and I signed on an apartment in Gold Coast- 3 fucking blocks from the beach! What the fucking fuck. How in the hell did all of this happen to me in one year. 

It does't stop there kids.

Earlier tonight while volunteering at the SAIC's annual Fashion Show (absolutely amazing by the way. absolutely. amazing.) I had the opportunity to hear Cynthia Rowley speak after being awarded SAIC's Honorary Alumni award. I was also her usher and got to seat her, Bill Powers, and Nick Cave on the front row. WHAT THE FUCK.

And even more- last week I bought my Lolla ticket!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Black Sabbath, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Jack White, The Black Keys, Justice, Franz Ferdinand, Die Antwoord, Star Slinger, Neon Indian, Little Dragon, Santigold. sounds chill. 

yeah. shits goin good.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

et